Home buddies

I always say this, “I’d rather be the one suffering than seeing my sisters in pale faces.” I hate it much when I see them in delicate conditions.

Amanda (the fourth daughter) is the bubbliest among us, but when I saw her this morning at the hospital for her nth check-up, she appears to be the most fragile, the one with weak resistance.

Admittedly, I saw a different Amanda. I want to hear her singing but she ignored my request. I want her to speak or call my name but she also refused. But mama said that Amanda misses me a lot, and she often asked “where ate is?”

Those words moved my heart. If she only knew how much I miss her and the other three girls also, to play with them again after three months of not returning home. God knows how much I love my sisters.

Don't worry

I want no one but my self to know, only me.

If I don’t have enough sleep, if I have not eaten, if I am shelled with responsibilities, if I am striking deadlines of major requirements, if I feel sick, if I’m tired, if giving-up is almost there, as much as possible, I don’t want them to know my condition while away from them.

I don’t want them to worry because I feel frail and more anxious than them, instead. I don’t want them to constantly glide their thoughts on me. Not saying that I want to be on my own, but I can promise them that I can handle myself because I know I’ve grown up.

Last time when I went to auntie’s house, my other nanay was there. When she returned home, she told mama that she[nanay] saw me with pale face, tired eyes like haven’t slept for the whole night.

Upon hearing, mama immediately texted, and yes, I explained. I told her that I came from an overnight and I am still to sleep that morning. But I really said not to worry about me, that I can take care of my self.

Ang ayaw ko lang naman ay mag-alala sila dahil mas nag-aalala na ako sa kanila ngayon. Hahhai...

Daydreams

“After school, he accompanies me going home. We eat together, we help each other in school works, and we talk all the time. On Sundays, we go to church, we stroll along the city, we watch movies, and sing in KTV bars.

We laugh, we share our worries, we sympathize each other. My parents know him, the same thing is I to his family. We solve our problems in a relationship. We never hide anything. We are true to each other. I trust him, he trusts me. I accept him, he does too. We are much in love with each other than any other people could see…”

Wow, what a kilig and heartening episodes in one’s or two people’s lives. It becomes more emotionally touching after hearing that passage that comes from a woman’s thoughts.

But that is only an illusion, vague to come true especially to a woman like me who has nothing to show and brag in the physical side, but only the personality. Those encounter are just part of my impossible dreams.

I am not beautiful, I don’t have the curvacious body and exact height. I dress differently from other girls. I don’t possess the charisma and appeal. Most boys don’t even go nearer to me unless, they have something to ask which is related to school activities.

I am turning 19, but for even a single time, I never experienced being in a boy-girl relationship, to be loved by someone who’s not related to me except friends. As what other woman is needing, I also want and need to be loved. I’ve always loved, but not loved in return.

Though I continue receiving bullies from peers, I’m contented being single. Who wouldn’t be happy having no additional headache and heartache?...but it’s really different to have someone who cares and loves you above all, and makes you realize how special and important you are in this world.

Inspired escape

Comparing to the usual days I have, today is one of the special and inspiring dates. I saw my man and spent my three and a half hours with him. I seldom see him these days that’s why I was very glad that he came here.

Though I supposed to finish other things, still I spare my time with him because he's more important than everything and everyone who exist.

He’s so special to me that even seeing him once a week already completes the emptiness. I toured him at the new attraction of the city, we ate, we talked, we laughed, we bought stuffs, we walked, we separated, and I kissed him.

It was only a short time that we were together, but it was worth more than any other company because being with him is already a source of strength and inspiration, and completes my February.

He’s a different man, and I love him so much. If there could be a word which refers to more than a father, then it’s him. I can’t imagine how this life would be without him.

Another reason why I love this day is that, despite the busy schedule, I was able to treat my self by strolling along the downtown, visit the new ukay-ukay stall, entered in business centers, and ate with my close course mates.

I seldom do that to my self, but today, I made it! I love this day because I gave my self a short break from stress and work in school.

Tired and sleepy upon returning home, but the fun doesn’t end there. I still went out and returned home at midnight.

It was a minute escape, a runaway moment from responsibilities...I hope there'll be more next times.

I found it!

I was in first year college when Tatay gave it to me, but I lost it, not even able to use it for one day. He handed it to me before I went to back the city.

How I lost it, was vague. Maybe I just misplaced it in one of my envelopes, together with some of my documents, belongings, and senseless stuffs, or left it while riding in a bus.

But this noon, while searching for my grades to fill up the evaluation form I am to submit on the next day, a thing fell when I get the plastic envelope inside the messy cabinet. It was a small, black, shiny and rectangular. I found it! It was what Tatay gave me two years ago—a music player.

I can still remember when every time I return home, he used to ask me about his gift. I just tell him that I leave it in my boarding house. My papa and sister also did, but I just confidently said that it’s kept in me, and stored with more songs.

I checked it, very clear and identical, the songs are truly ‘Tatak Tatay’—those from The Eagles, Scorpions, Firehouse, Queen, Deep Purple, Bon Jovi, Elvis Presley, Elton John, Roxette, Rod Stewart, Danity Kane, and more of the 70s and 80s.

At home, I often heard him singing the songs of those bands and icons, and those were what he always play on the CD or DVD player. That’s why we are influenced to sing the kinds also.

Now, I have nothing to hide. The next time I go back home, I will confidently show them that the mp is alive, and promise, I’ll take care of it, Tay!

He will come

I’m already 18 years old, and I will be turning 19 soon...I’ve always been teased by my friends why until now I don’t have boyfriend yet.

Actually, I always say that I don’t know how to run a life engaging in a mutual kind of relationship. Sometimes I say, ‘because I don’t want to cry for the person’, or ‘because my parents won’t allow me to’, or because 'my friends thought that I am a serious girl and has vision'…all those reasons, etcetera, etcetera…

Not bragging but there have been a lot of them who asked me to be their girl, but none moved my heart, none of them convinced my thoughts and emotion, because I know that none of them will stay longer with me and will never love me truly.

I am not an easy to get girl to honestly say. I don’t easily believe to the honeyed words of males. Before I decide to say “no” or “yes”, I want to make sure that what I utter comes from what I truly feel.

It’s not saying that I am choosy, but I just want to make sure that I made the right thing, and I’ve chosen the right man.

But everything changes after realizing that I’m already a lady, or a lady? To have a boyfriend is one of my requests now that I step on in this stage. When I see girls with their special someone walking, eating, going to church, roaming, talking, and those other forms that shows they are lovers, I get jealous.

I told my self that I also want to experience the same thing. I want to know the feeling of being fetched and sent back to the house; the occasions that you and your man are eating and watching movies together; the feeling of being cared, that all the time, someone is thinking how and where you are; the feeling that you think you are beautiful and blessed because there is someone who truly loves and accepts you no matter who and what you are.

When will I experience that? When will that time be? When will I consider my self a lady? When will I have someone to be called as my boyfriend? When will that time come that I would be proud to shout to every ear that “this is my boyfriend!” Until when will I wait for him?

I know God will give me the perfect moment and the perfect man that I have long been waiting for. I know he will come, he will come, and I just have to patiently wait. I will wait for you, and promise, I will love you.

I’m not rushing to have that someone in my life, to tell everybody that ‘this is my man!’… but I’m sure it will happen to me.

Falling for someone

It’s hard to fall in love. I can’t sleep well at night because I’m searching for him. But he’s the wrong guy, we can’t be together. He loves another maybe, but I love him so much.

I never experienced this kind of feeling when I was in high school, only now that I’m growing mature. I can’t understand this; I am even ashamed to share this with others.

I see this guy everyday, but every time I take a glimpse of him, it’s as if nothing is within me. I am a pretender, but at the back of everything, there’s no second when I can’t think of him. He is everything to me. He is conquering my thought, that’s why I can’t concentrate with what I’m doing.

I don’t want to be in love, especially with him. We are far different from each other. He is the typical “habulin” ng girls, while I, “nakuh! walang gusto’ng magkamali”.

But it’s ok, I’m happy with my life. Though I have no boyfriend since birth, but I’m contented being single this time. I know God has destined me the right man. I don’t have to wait, because he will come in an unexpected time, if not soon, then at the right moment.

If it’s not His plan now to make me involve into relationships, so I must accept and follow. He has the best timing and He knows everything. I just need to trust in His will.